Dear Self,

You haven’t written for so long and it feels so foreign to you now. Back in the day, you were expected to churn out three articles a day at work and sometimes you wonder how you were able to manage to make words flow so easily. Maybe it’s just easier before, because your headspace was filled with nothing but work-related things: fashion, events, and the who’s who in the social scene. No household to run, no kids to nurture, no business to operate.

Sometimes you wonder if you would like to go back to your life in your 20s. While it seems easier, simpler, and much more manageable, you realized that your life right now, right this moment, is the kind of life you were aiming for back in your 20s. It’s crazy how we often get sidetracked by various wants that we tend to forget that we already have all that we need. So now the question is, why do we always have the urge for something more?

You’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. So many ideas, so little time. Often you get overwhelmed and get paralyzed with the amount of work that needs to be done. Hence, procrastination ensues. Case in point: this blog, among other projects that you haven’t even started yet. Why can’t we just sit still and enjoy the present? Why is there always a need to work on something? Why is being mediocre not a good thing? What is the true measure of success? It it really that important anyway?

I don’t have the answers. Maybe there’s no real answer. Maybe you just need to write again and see where it will take you.

You have a love-hate relationship with writing. Writing is something that you enjoy doing, especially when there’s no pressure involved, like this letter, for example. You dread deadlines but always write your best ones when the time is almost up. You hate the part that it consumes you, but at the same time, when words flow like a river, it makes you feel so alive.

Do you want to write again? That is the question. It’s so confusing–to be in this stage in your life where you want to be away from the noise, but at the same time, would want to be heard. Maybe you will. Maybe you will try again. Wherever this leads, what I’m sure of is that this is all you, allowing yourself to just be.

Good luck,

Kabbie

Dear Atom,

When your dad and I found out we were pregnant, I vividly remember that the first thing I did was close my eyes, prayed to God, and wished for a boy.

Going through all the pregnancy challenges the second time around felt more chill, probably because I’ve gone through all the feelings before–the sukafest, the headaches, backaches, all other inconveniences in between–but it wasn’t easy still, because during the time I was carrying you, we were also in the process of building our business as if we were also giving birth to something that will shape us in the coming years.

From interviewing, hiring, and training employees, driving your Manang Kelly to school, to setting up our first physical office in BGC, you were growing inside me. In a way, it feels like Upside is your twin brother. There was so much going on in our lives at that time and I really tried to squeeze in as much as I could before you came out; as if giving myself a deadline, probably because I knew things will never be the same again. Little did I know that the changes I was looking forward to were just a speck of dust compared to the pandemic that was about to come.

When you finally came out on the 21st of January 2020, I wasn’t ready, to be honest. All I knew was that I just have to wing it, to take it easy, one day at a time. I was a wreck a week before you came out–overwhelmed with so many responsibilities and not having the mental and physical capacity to fix everything before your arrival. But by the grace of God and the help of our family and friends, we made it through. Your birth gave new meaning to my life as mom, a reminder that I am strong and capable and worthy, and the imperfections make it more real.

Your first year flew by with you spending the whole year at home because of COVID-19. The only time you went out was for vaccination trips to your pediatrician; which you dreaded the most. I often wonder if you’re happy, given the kind of jail-like routine you got accustomed to. Deep in my heart, I yearned for the childhood you lost: the outdoor play, the family get togethers, the Sundays with Lolo and Lola, the trips to the toy store, and all the fun family activities. I guess it is true that ignorance is bliss–you never knew what you were missing. As long as our family is healthy, we are okay.

Fast forward to today, you’re now in your terrible terrific twos and I am beyond happy that your dad and I took the leap and relocated to the south on a whim. It was mainly for you and your Manang, because you deserve the best things in life–fresh air, surrounded by greens and wide open spaces where you can finally run wild and free.

You deserve all the best things in the world, anak. Continue to be the boy with the sweetest smile, the funniest dramatic tantrums, and the ball of energy that never seems to wane. You’re definitely everything we wished for and more.

Love always,

Mama

Dear Mitor,

Thanks to Paypal alerts and auto-renew, I remembered that three years ago, I bought this domain so I can write people random letters on a whim. But life happened and I never actually found the time to sit down and write, so now let’s try this again.

So, that was quite a ride, huh? It’s funny how we’re actually just chilling right now, because we’ve been hustlin’ and running around like headless chickens since the year started that having this actual break from it all feels like a dream. January was all about survival for the most part: it started with me being 9 months pregnant, and the yayas left without warning, leaving us with a messy house, exhausted from all the holiday festivities, with a lot on our plates. From planning our daughter’s fifth birthday (her last one as the only child), prepping the other room (that we turned into a bodega) to make it livable for your mom, screening applicants to replace our longtime employee who resigned, hiring and training a new family driver to take over my school bus duties for Kelly, to keeping my health and sanity in check before the delivery date–it was quite fascinating how we managed to survive that month. And boy, who would’ve thought it was just a preview of what’s to come?

January 21st came and we officially became a family of four. Taking care of a newborn without help (salute to all families without yayas!) alongside a business that needs our 100% attention has been really really tough. We barely slept, well you, for the most part, because you’ve always been like that anyway; that even in your dreams you’re actually sleep-talking to some client. I wish I was kidding, but no. Someday, I’ll be fast enough to be able to record it.

Atom’s so precious, isn’t he? We’ve always wanted a baby boy and I’m so happy God granted us this wish. But boy oh boy, he’s such a boy! So takaw, so clingy, so demanding! I don’t know if we ever got this tired when Kelly was a newborn or maybe it’s because we really aged in five years (LOL) that taking care of a new baby at this point in our lives has been an extra challenge. Nevertheless, it is worth it.

March 7 2020 was the last time we ever got together with our families. It was Atom’s baptism and had we known that things will be very different onwards, we could’ve thrown the biggest baptism party in the world. HA! Riiiight. Introvert me is shaking. LOL

But man, I wish we could’ve extended more hours on that restaurant or an afterparty, you know? Wishful thinking.

Looking back at how the lockdown has totally changed our lives, I can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief that we are still alive. As long as we are breathing, there is hope. As long as there is hope, a better future awaits. I’m just glad that I have you to hold on to as we navigate this crazy/beautiful life we built for ourselves.

Love you always,

Kabbie

Dear Kelly,

This year, I promised myself that I will make time to do something that you’ll like to flip through when you get older, aside from my phone. I mean, you just turned two and I haven’t printed any of your photos! Screw this digital era for making things so easy that we tend to just take things for granted. I’m pretty sure I’ll die when something happens to my hard drive. But before I swim through a thousand of your photos again and finally select which ones to print, I decided to put this site up just because I’m such a procrastinator I’ve been meaning to write you a letter for so long.

Eleven days ago, you officially turned two. Your Dad and I threw a small party for you at your Lolo A and Lola C’s house and it kind of reminded me of my own birthday parties at home–nothing fancy, just good food, lots of balloons, and of course, mocha cake.

You opened so many gifts that day, and your smile, oh, that smile, was so precious.

We even released the balloons that afternoon just because.

My darling Kelly, I wish that you’ll always remember that so many people love you. Our wish for you is simple–that you may grow with a compassionate heart, always steadfast, always true. Looking forward to celebrating your birthdays year on year and see your beautiful soul grow. ❤

Happy birthday, anak.

Love,

Mama